


Karkat Vantas: Melon Lord

by Java_bean



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Fluff, M/M, Summer, Writing Prompt, watermelon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-19
Updated: 2017-07-19
Packaged: 2018-12-03 22:55:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,274
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11542146
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Java_bean/pseuds/Java_bean
Summary: Based on a prompt from @royalrastafariannaynays: Dave teaching Karkat that the traditional method of opening a watermelon is by curb stomping itDave and Karkat hang out at Jade's place and watermelon related shenanigans ensue.





	Karkat Vantas: Melon Lord

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Royalrastafariannaynays](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Royalrastafariannaynays/gifts).



It had never occurred to any of you that there might not be water melons on Alternia. They had creamsicles and cotton candy and at least the basic concept of what a hamburger was (though every time they said “grub burger” gives you pause), why the shit wouldn’t they have water melons? It was just one of those things that never came up in conversation, so you’d assumed was a universal constant, like frogs or Will Smith, and left it at that.

It wasn’t until you and Karkat went to go help Jade out with this summer’s fruit harvest that you’d realized differently. 

The day was bright and sunny and hot as all fucking hell. It reminded you of Texas in the worst kind of way. you’d gone with shorts and a really old t-shirt because it was way too humid for pants and he didn’t want to sweat through anything you actually cared about. You were already sweating and you weren’t even at her place yet, you couldn’t imagine how bad it was going to get once Jade actually put you to work.

Karkat, for some fucked up masochistic reason, would not be talked out of wearing his sweater. In the back of your mind, you had a feeling it was because you’d explicitly told him that he shouldn’t wear it today. He was going to get really hot really quick if he wore that heavy thing all day and might die of heatstroke or something. Heatstroke was some serious business. You gotta warn a bro about that stuff. 

No surprise to anyone, he ignored you and wore it, anyway. You don’t know why you even bother sometimes.

Because it’s fun, that’s why you bother. The lengths Karkat will go to be a dumbass are always surprising, even if the bullshit he pulls isn’t.

He’s going to wear his sweater because you told him not to? 

Expected.

He’s going to do it on a day that it’s so hot the fucking _trees_ are melting and refuse to take it off?  
Less expected.

Then, just when you thought his bullshit was finished, what does he do?

He drags out a big floppy sunhat that he got from god knows where and puts it on his head. 

Completely unexpected.

Fuck, you love this dumbass.

So the two of you walk over to Jade’s, talking about nothing in particular while you try not to bust a gut laughing at Karkat’s stupid as fuck hat when you finally reach her place. The garden’s in the back, but she’s got supplies and shit inside, you think, so you knock.

Jade throws open the door almost as soon as you lay fist to wood, and it happens so quickly that you almost have to take a step back. She smiles at both of you and looks like she’s ready to get out into the dirt and start picking some shit. She’s already all dressed up for it, in her overalls and work gloves and-

and her giant fucking sun hat, what the fuck? 

“Seriously? Et tu, Jade? Really? Did I miss some meeting or something? Was there some memo about wearing stupid hats that I didn’t get? Are we doing memos again, is that what’s going on here now?”

“What the fuck are you blabbering on about?” Karkat asks, rolling the sleeves of his sweater up to his elbow. At least he’s not trying to wear it with the sleeves all the way down. 

“Your hats.” You point out. “You can’t tell me this shit wasn’t planned. You can’t both be wearing these atrocities on your heads at the same time and tell me this wasn’t even somewhat a planned event to fuck with me.”

Jade rolls her eyes. “Not everything is about you, Dave. I just felt like wearing a hat today. Besides, it’ll help keep the sun off of me.”

“But I thought you liked the sun?”

“I do, but I also don’t like being burned.” She explains. “Are you guys getting in here, or what?”

Before either of you have a chance to respond, she drags you and Karkat in by the hand. She stops once she gets to the back door. “Everything’s already out back, so we can just go out there and get started.”

“Sweet, so the food’s out there, too? We’re having a picnic lunch and shit?”

She tilts her head to the side. “Did you not ear before you came here, Dave?”

“No,” you admit with a shrug. “I thought lunch was provided.”

“It’s not. Or at least, it wasn’t going to be.” Jade replies. “Karkat, did you eat anything?”

Karkat shakes his head. “Dave had me under the impression we were eating here, and since you seem to have no clue what the fuck portion size means, let alone how to utilize the concept, I figured it would be better to come here on a completely empty stomach.”  
She groans and lets the both of you go so she can rub her forehead with one hand and open the door with the other. “I can’t feed you right now,” she admits, “all I can do is offer you some water or lemonade or something so you don’t dehydrate while we’re working. You’re free to help yourself to whatever you want in the garden while we’re out here, though. If any of us are still hungry after that, I’ll order a pizza or something.”

“Fuck, Jade, we’re starving now.”

“And whose fault is that?” She replies, rolling her eyes. “I never offered you food, you just assumed I would give it to you! Don’t blame me for this. You guys get outside. We can get started as soon as I get those drinks.”

You’re both ushered outside into her backyard. “Yard” is a bit of an understatement. Since Jade lives in a pretty secluded area (aside from being walking distance from you and Karkat’s house), she took over pretty much every available piece of land behind her property within a three mile radius. 

And it was all her fucking garden.

Shit grew pretty easily on Earth C. It was close to fucking miraculous how quickly things grew here when compared to their previous counterparts on Earth and Alternia. Of course, the soil here was literally created with that purpose in mind, so it shouldn’t come as a shock. 

What did come as somewhat of a shock was all the different shit Jade was able to cultivate in the timespan you’ve been here for. It’s all vegetation as far as the eye can see. 

“Hey, Dave, what the fuck is that?” He points out into a distance.

All you see is a big watermelon patch. “What the fuck is what? I don’t see anything.”

“All those big oval things.” He says. “They look like an engorged pair of cherub’s shameglobes.”

“How do you know what cherub shameglobes look like?”

“I have an imagination, shit knob.”

“Your imagination is gross and needs to stop.” You reply. “But you’re right, they do look an awful lot like a pair of humongous green veiny cojones. Shit, I’m never going to look at a watermelon the same way again. Fuck you for ruining a perfectly good fruit for me, Karkat.”

“That shit’s a fruit?” Karkat doesn’t sound like he believes you. “How are you supposed to eat that shit? It’s bigger than your fucking head!”

You don’t have time to answer his question before Jade comes back out with a tray of ice water. “Okay, drink up and let’s get this thing started.”

So you all drank your water and split up to cover as much ground as you could. You spent hours picking fruits off trees and shoving them into your fruit receptacle (it was clearly a bucket, but you weren’t allowed to call it that because Karkat refused to use a bucket for this purpose but apparently calling it a fruit receptacle was just fine to his pure little troll sensibilities) and when you got hungry you just ate whatever the fuck you felt like.

You were really looking forward to that pizza later.

Eventually, you get this shit done. At least as much as you can for the day before the three of you retire back to Jade’s. You lay your fruit receptacle down and collapse on her back porch, breathing hard.

“I had no idea fruit could be so god damn heavy.” You complain. Your arms ache from carrying receptacle-ful’s of lemons and limes and other assorted citrus all the way here. You’re so out of breath. “What the fuck are these made of, rocks?”

“Don’t be ridiculous, Dave.” Jade stands over you, blotting out the setting sun as it burns the sky orange. She’s holding two watermelons, one in each arm. “I left you and Dave with the light stuff. You have nothing to complain about. Here.”

She drops a watermelon into your waiting hands. You wrap yourself around the big fruit and remain immobile on the ground. Jade steps over you and picks up one of your receptacles in her hand like it’s nothing- and for her it probably is. Fuck.

Karkat had more sense than you in the collapsing from exhaustion department and managed to crawl over to a wall and leaned against that. You watch him take off his stupid hat and wipe sweat off his forehead with the sleeve of his sweater. Jade offers him a watermelon in exchange for one of his fruit receptacles, which he gladly accepts. She drops the watermelon into his waiting hands. He clearly wasn’t anticipating the full weight of the melon, because it dropped out of his hands and onto the back porch with a heavy thud. The melon and Karkat both seemed uninjured by this. 

Jade disappears inside, leaving you and Karkat out in her backyard while the sun continues its slow descent to the horizon line. You readjust so you’re laying on your back and hugging the watermelon to you as you watch the sky change color above you. The fireflies are starting to come out.

“Man, I’m starving. What kind of pizza do you think Jade’s ordering?” Karkat doesn’t answer you. “If she gets pineapple on it, I’m gonna fucking kill her, and it will be a just killing. I don’t mind it as a topping, don’t get me wrong. It’s rad as hell, and it’s so weird to have a fruit as a topping on a pizza because that’s the last thing I would think to put on that shit. I mean you got your sauce? Check. Cheese? Double check. Meats? Veggies? Fuck yeah, you check that shit. Fruit? Nah man. We’re not doing that. Well, if you insist on it, Mr. Pizza, the inventor of this fine and delectable dish. We’ll put fruit on it. This shit’s gonna have the entire food pyramid on it, but squashed down into a fucking dough circle. Yeah, that’s right, we’re gonna get fucking geometric all up in this bitch. If there’s no math involved, shit’s not real pizza, Karkat. You gotta know that. Keep that in mind next time we order. Check the delivery boy’s work, okay? I don’t want to pay for an equation that’s been fucked to hell and back, man. That shit’s not cool. Not kosher. We’re putting pineapple on this motherfucking pizza because of fucking math, dude. We’re doing this man, we’re making this happen. Pineapple? On Pizza? You better check that shit every day, son. Although not today, though. I already ate a bunch of fruit today and I’m really not feeling it on my pizza today. I mean, if she wants to order it on half, then I’m totally chill with that, just give me one or two slices of fruit free pizza and I will be a happy man. You get what I’m saying, Karkat? What do you think? Did you want pineapple?”

You look over at him, which takes a lot of work from the angle you’re at. You decide that maybe rolling completely over is the best option because there’s no way what you think you’re looking at right now is really what’s happening and is probably just a trick of positioning. You put the watermelon down and roll onto your stomach.

Nope. Your vision was right the first time.

Karkat’s gnawing on the watermelon and scratching at it, leaving shallow gauges in the rind. For all the effort he’s putting in to these attacks, he doesn’t seem to be making any progress.

You feel compelled to ask. “Karkat, what the everloving fuck are you doing?”

He pauses his attack to respond. “What does it look like I’m doing, bulge brain? I’m trying to eat whatever the shit this thing is.”

“It’s a watermelon. Wait, were you serious earlier when you said you didn’t know what it was?”

“I still don’t know what it is.”

“A watermelon, we just established that.”

“Yeah, and that tells me fuckall about the thing itself, now doesn’t it?” He snaps back at you. “I don’t know what the hell this thing tastes like, which parts are edible, if it’s poisonous to my species, fuck, I don’t even know for sure if you’re telling me the right name for whatever this is.”

“It’s a-”

“Watermelon, yeah, I got it. You can stop saying that, you human equivalent of a busted audio disc. I heard you the first time, I just don’t _believe_ you. I though mayonaise was an instrument for a whole half a sweep because of you!”

“You _asked._ ” You reply defensively. This isn’t the first time this has been brought up. “You literally asked me that. What was I supposed to do, say no? Like fuck I’m going to let an opportunity like that go to waste.” 

“You made me look like an idiot!”

“You didn’t really need my help for that, dude.”

“I won’t be fooled again, Dave.” Karkat glares menacingly at you. 

“Okay, fine, whatever. You can verify the name later, I don’t give a shit about that. I’m more concerned with what you’re trying to do to that poor melon.”

“Like I said earlier before you went deaf and lost all of your short term memory in the span of two minutes, I’m eating this thing.”

Karkat resumes his task of chewing on the watermelon. It still doesn’t seem to be doing him much good. 

“Hate to break this to you, Karkat, but that’s not how you eat a watermelon. For starters, last I checked you don’t eat the green part.”

“Are you still trying to pull my frond, Dave?” Karkat asks suspiciously. “What kind of colorblind asshat do you take me for? This whole thing’s green!”

“Yeah, but the inside’s not.” You explain. “It’s red and completely okay for you to eat. Well, okay I don’t know about you specifically, but humans can eat it just fine. This shit’s one of those fruit’s you gotta open before you get to all the fruity goodness.”

“Fruity goodness? I thought you said you were sick of fruit.”

“I am, but I’m not gonna stop you from getting your enjoyment on, bro. You want any help opening that? It’ll take you all fucking night to get this shit anywhere close to open at this rate.”

“What, you got a better idea of how to crack this giant piece of shit open?”

“Yes.” You crawl over to him, and he glares suspiciously at you. “Hey, dude, don’t look at me like that. I just want to help you get the thing open faster, I don’t want to spend any more time with a hungry Karkat than I absolutely have to. I don’t know if I’ve ever told you this, but you’re even more of an ornery fuck nugget than usual when you’re hungry. Now give up the melon.”

He glares at you suspiciously but hands over the watermelon. You take it and put it on the ground between the both of you. You stand up to get a knife from inside, but then a different idea strikes you that requires a lot less movement on your part.

“You know, actually, I’d feel like a total douchebag if I did this for you.” You say. “I’ve busted a shit ton of watermelons before, and it seems unfair that I get to perform such an important human tradition when you’ve never even so much as fucking seen a watermelon before today.”

“Human tradition?” Karkat looks up at you, still clearly suspicious of your intent but definitely interested in where this is going. Karkat’s had a thing about human traditions ever since he learned about mistle toe. You think he’s hoping to eventually come across another thinly veiled excuse to make out for no reason. “What the fuck are you talking about, ‘human tradition’? This is the first I’ve heard of it.”

“This is also the first time you’ve seen a watermelon.” You point out. “Now come on, you want to do it or not?”

He’s got a look on his face like he’s debating between participating in a new human tradition or sitting around and not doing anything. You understand his predicament, you’re still tired out and you didn’t even have to walk at all. 

“Hey, come on.” You hold out your hand to help him up. “It’ll be fun, trust me. You’ll like it.”

Karkat looks at your hand, then at your face, right through your shades and straight into your eyes. You try to look at genuine as possible. It must work, either that or Karkat honestly doesn’t give a shit, because he looks back down at your hand and takes it without a second’s hesitation. You help him up to his feet.

“Okay,” Karkat says, now that his face is up close to yours, you can make out pieces of the melon rind stuck between his teeth, “so what do I do to complete this human tradition you won’t shut your giant trap about?”

“Well, first off we gotta roll this bitch to the edge of the patio.” You nudge the melon with your foot, and it rolls a few inches. “Like that.”

“What the fuck, why?”

“Because it’s tradition.” You take a step forward and nudge it again. Karkat hasn’t let go of your hand yet. You pull him over with you. “Now come on, do it. Kick the melon.”

“Okay, fine. I’ll kick the stupid melon, but only if you tell me what the fuck this human tradition’s supposed to be about.”

“It’s some bullshit about celebrating the amazing fruit bounty we got this spring season,” Karkat nudges the watermelon a little further to the edge of the patio, “and busting open the first melon of the season is supposed to represent humanity’s hopes for an even more bountiful and fun summer season.”

“That sounds fake, but so do most of your human traditions.” Karkat says, rolling his eyes. “What do we do now?”

“We do this." You let go of his hand and get off the patio. The patio itself is elevated only a couple inches off the ground, but it’s enough. You take the watermelon and adjust it so half of it is over the edge and take a step back. “Okay, perfect.”

“Perfect for what?” He asks. “Dave, come on! What the hell am I supposed to do now? Stare at it until my glare melts a hole through it? I can do that, if that’s what’s called for.”

“Nah, man. You don’t have to do anything like that.” You shake your head.

“Then explain to me what the fuck I do have to do.”

"You gotta stomp on it.”

“What?” 

“You heard me. If you want this summer to be any fun and off the wall as opposed to a weak ass bummer season where the only thing we did worth remembering is peeling off each other’s sun burns-”

“That’s disgusting.”

“-then you better stomp the shit out of that watermelon, dude. Come on man, don’t be lame.”

Karkat glares down at the watermelon in front of him. It’s all scratched up from his attempts at opening it earlier. “You know what? Fine. I’ll believe you, Dave. Just this once, I’ll take your word for it. I won’t look it up and verify that everything you’ve said isn’t a complete load of steaming hoofbeast shit after this. For once, I’m going to trust you on this one.”

Then, without further ado, he stomped the shit out of that watermelon. He hit it so hard that it burst on impact and fell off the porch and onto the ground by your feet with a dull thump. The fall left juice and little chunks of melon dripping down the edge of Jade’s patio. It looked like it might stain and you wondered if this was such a good idea after all.

Your wondering ended once you got a good look at Karkat. His foot was soaked all the way up to the ankle in watermelon slime. There was a fire dying down and cooling to embers in his eyes. There wasn’t a single part of you that thought for even a minute that Karkat didn’t put everything he had into that one melon stomp. More importantly, he looked like he was having a good time. 

“How’s _that_ for lame?” Karkat grins, looking down triumphantly at the watermelon he destroyed. “Look at that thing, I fucking demolished it! There’s no way our summer’s not gonna be fun now, right?” 

He looks over at you, waiting for you to say something in reply. He’s actually asking. You grin back at him and pick up the biggest piece of watermelon you can find off the ground. “Yeah, dude! It’s gonna be the god damn best! I can already tell by just looking at this.” You hand him the big piece and pick up another one for yourself. “Seriously, you fucking killed this. That was the best watermelon smashing I ever did see. Maybe you should be in charge of this every year, because you honest to fuck _rule_ at watermelon smashing, man. Hey, if you are cool with doing this whole awesome human watermelon busting tradition thing every year we should probably get you a title or something to go along with it. How does Melon Lord sound to you?”

“Dave, holy shit, shut the fuck up.” He snorts. He gives you his hand and helps you back up onto the patio. “I know it’s not a real tradition, I’m not a fucking idiot. Although Karkat Vantas, Melon Lord does have a nice ring to it.”

“You knew the whole time?” You both walk a few steps away from the mess and sit back down with your big chunks of watermelon. It’s dripping sticky juices down your hands. “Why the fuck did you go along with it?”

He shrugs. “It sounded like you put at least some thought into the lie.” He takes an experimental bite out of the watermelon. An odd look crosses his face. “I don’t know how I feel about this.”

“It’ll grow on you.”

“I hope not. That sounds painful.” He swallows and takes another bite. “You don’t have to make up a reason why your species opens fruit like that. That’s perfectly fine with me, I don’t give a shit.”

“Wait, that’s not-” you start to correct him, but think better of it, “you know what, never mind.”

You both sit there and watch the sunset while you eat chunks of melon. You put your shades in your hair and lean against Karkat. It’s not as deliriously hot out now that the sun is gone. It’s surprisingly cool out, actually. The fireflies have been joined by some of Earth C’s earliest and brightest stars. You still don’t know all the constellations, not that you knew that many back home, either. You’re going to fix that this summer. You’re going to learn all of them.

Karkat’s hand makes its way over to yours, and you intertwine his sticky fingers with your own. You think this is going to be the most fun summer of your life.

“Hey, guys, I ordered a couple of pizzas!” Jade says as she barges out of the house, causing both of you to jump and break apart. “They should be here in maybe a half hour. I have some stuff we could watch if you guys wanted to st- _what the hell did you guys do?_ "

You and Karkat stand up and face her. Hey, Jade.”

“Karkat, what the fuck is on your pants?”

Karkat’s staring at his heavily stained pant leg. “Watermelon.”

“Watermelon." She shakes her head in disbelief. “I can’t leave you two alone for five minutes, can I?”

“We’re hungry, what did you expect?”

“Well, it’s a good thing I ordered those pizzas, then.” Jade responds with a good natured eye roll. “Are you guys coming inside or not?”

“Yeah, we’re coming.” 

You both walk over to the door, but she blocks you before you have a chance to get in. “Before I let you in, you have to promise me one thing.”

“What?”

“You guys have to clean that mess up first.” She points to the remains of the watermelon you both destroyed.

“What, right now?” You ask. “Jade, that’ll take all night!”

“Then I guess you better start working.” Jade retorts with a shrug, closing the door in your face. You think you hear a lock click.

“Well, shit.” You sigh, dragging yourself back over to the mess. “I guess we’re cleaning now.”

This is going to be the most fun summer of your life. 

Aside from this.

**Author's Note:**

> I've never written for a prompt before, so this was a new (and really fun) experience for me! I hope you liked reading it as much as I liked writing it! :D


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